The Fucking Perimenopausal Industrial Complex

Are we all just throwing money at any promise to improve our hormonal hellscape?

Dear nerds¹,

While I LOVE the empowerment and silence busting perimenopausal chatter we’re all having, I’m also worried I’m being conned.

In every economic boom, there are seedy snake oil salesmen, but now they dress in active wear on their way to pilates, just doing a quick video check in with their followers.

My fun personality mix means I am inherently suspicious, but I’m also incredibly suggestible. (Yes, I am that person who clucks on the hypnotist stage.)

I’m constantly worried that I’m not trying enough things to support myself and then worried that I’m trying too many things. A clinical trial would never throw random shit at a wall to see what sticks.

But surely there's some good in all the hormone-balancing, hot-flash-reducing, mood-stabilizing shit being marketed to our desperate perimenopausal selves.

So here’s a brief insight into what I’ve been trying lately and yes, I got conned.

The MHT Rollercoaster (Results May Vary)

I went on MHT and it worked great for me!

I have one friend whose boobs got so monumentally sore on MHT she couldn't sleep on her stomach.

Other friends still clutch their pearls at the very mention of hormones. And a couple women I know transformed into goddamn unicorns within weeks of their first dose.

So, again with any hormones, it's all about your body, which is both obvious and completely unhelpful advice.

The Estrogen Face Cream Debacle

I got fucking estrogen face cream. Now, I feel like a complete idiot.

So, Dr. Jen, I'm sorry. I feel like I failed you. But I've heard you. I will not slather it on anymore. (But I’ll just finish the jar, okay?)

But could someone—ANYONE—please tell me if there are actual scientific studies happening on estrogen face cream right now? I'm genuinely curious because I saw some results... or I imagined some results (see above), and my wallet would like to know.

Joining the Jennifer Aniston Cult (Partially)

And yes, I have become a reluctant convert to the Jennifer Aniston Pvolve cult.

I never did the Rachel haircut—would have made my face look like a sad potato. I never jumped on the Smart Water train because paying for bottled water makes me insane.

I've done six Pvolve classes, and my balance has already improved.

I was cold swimming at the beach #middleagedwoman and had to navigate uneven driftwood logs from winter storms. My ankle stability felt noticeably better. Actually, it wasn't just an ankle—my entire leg felt more stable.

You know what sucks? That it's working. Because if I can afford to do this fancy-pants workout while others can't, I’ve become that privileged white woman.

Now I don't know whether to keep quiet about something helpful or share it and sound like a tone-deaf wellness influencer. Guess it’s the latter.

What’s Next For This Super Peri User?

Who knows what magical balm I’ll find to buy next week? But for now I’m attempting to clean up my sweaty mess with:

• Taking my MHT - calling my pharmacist in a fluster because I only have one dose left and forgot to renew my prescription.

• Doing Two Pvolve Classes A Week - actually sticking with it for at least four months to see how my balance, strength and co-ordination continues to improve.

• Try to Stay Sane - cold water dipping, weed smoking, reading, napping, sewing, deep breathing, movie watching - basically any distractionary technique is in hyper drive right now. I know you’re all there with me!

Speaking of Distraction, Coming Soon: The Rebrand

Oh, I'm getting excited. My amazing friend Hannah, who just had this incredible art show, is working on me on my Substack rebrand.

With love and perimenopausal good vibes,
Annabel
xxoo

P.S. In the time it took to write this post, three new perimenopause miracle cures launched on Instagram. I've already bought two of them.

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1. I’m using nerds in the best possible way. Nerdship: How we love a thing with such veracity that we annoy others, and then one magical day we find other people who feel the same way about the thing we love. That is nerdship.